A flood of complaints, worries, demands, long stories, accusations, and explanations is pouring out. Where is a mediator to start?

Here’s a new guideline we’re using to help mediators facilitate the “Exchange” phase. It elicits the information participants will need for problem-solving, and also helps people have a deeper conversation that is less accusatory and more informative.

Complaints, accusations, blame, assertions, namecalling, “mind-reading” the other side…

Behavior examples:
Can you give us an example?
What happened?
Specifically what does she do that makes you say that?

Impact:
How does that affect you?
How did that change the situation?

Worries

Examples: What are you afraid they might do or say?
What happened before that makes you think they might do X?

Impact:
How would that potentially affect you?
How might that change the situation?

Then check out the assumptions behind their worry.

Positives

(Bring these up if the participants don’t.)

Example:
What has worked well in the past?
What aspects of the current situation would you like to see continue?
Impact: How did that help the situation?
What benefits does that bring?

Demands

Also positions, hopes, requests—any statement about what they want the future to look like.
Look for what information about their interests their demands/hopes reveal (rather than treating it as a proposal that’s on the table):

Examples: Skip asking for specifics–vivid descriptions of the future can solidify their positions. Request those descriptions during the “Options” phase of problem-solving. Instead ask about the past/present:
What problem are you trying to fix?
What happened before that you are trying to prevent from happening again?

Impact:
How would this proposed solution make your life (or work) better?