Comments for The Mediator's Handbook

Comment on Friends Conflict Resolution Programs by Brenda

Brenda — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 13:50:55 +0000

Hi,
Just a passing comment about FCRP. Firstly, I’m sorry that YM decided to drop the work. So much has been accomplished since the infancy period and as long as there are humans roaming this planet, there will be conflict. Ergo, lots more work to be done in the field.
Reading your short piece brought back a wave of great memories; I feel blessed to have been a part of both FCRP and its spin-off.
I like the grid. Interesting questions–ones I have not used but will incorporate them into my repetoir–especially the “Desired Future” section. My sense is that moving them towards a cooperative/empathetic frame of mind is not being direction but rather using information gathered by the mediator and reframing it in a way that produces positive rather than negative energy. We really could do a half day on reframing–I really feel that is a “must’ skill for mediators.
I am of the mind that as a mediator I need to assist/guide/direct/move the parties to a place where they can negotiate. That’s my job; if the parties knew how to do it, they would not be at the table.
I’m looking forward to the new edition!!!!

Comment on Process labels….continued by Bill Withers

Bill Withers — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 00:06:45 +0000

Sorry to join the fun so late… I have been mentally away. I haven’t used the “official” terms for the general phases of the process for years. Would agree that they are handy for the mediator to know so that she can recognize when the shifts take place and decide whether to recommend staying in one phase or the other a bit longer.

My opening spiel includes a recommendation that we begin by retelling what got us to this point so that we can all listen – including the speaker – for maybe the first time. Next, we can ask each other questions so that we get it. Then we figure out what we want to do.

Do these stages work for anybody?:
First time (or beginner’s) listening
Clarifying
Invention
Planning (agreement, schedules, logistics, follow up)
Action (the stage that happens afterwards, away from the table. In my world, action with the involvement of the mediator or others if necessary puts the community in community mediation.)

Happy Christmas!

Comment on Building Blocks by Susan Sgorbati

Susan Sgorbati — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 22:07:20 +0000

Dear Jennifer,
Looking at the new terms, I guess I still feel that it is better to have strong terms that identify clearly the sections. Your new terms are great, but seem more descriptive for mediators in understanding the process than words that communicate directly to the participants. So possibly,
Listening without Interruption
Exchange of Views
Identifying Issues and Topics
Developing Options
Reaching Decisions

I totally will accept whatever you feel is best, because you are the author and should go with your instincts and experience. I will ask my students when I see them on Thursday what they think about the language. All the best, Susan

Comment on Control? direct? manage? oversee? guide? by JB

JB — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 01:27:46 +0000

Thanks Brenda,

“Facilitating” literally means “to make easier” and I like that sense, too.

Could you say more — maybe a new post? about what you actually do in “sorting through” self-righteousness? Are you talking about broadening people’s perspectives? Prying them loose from their death grip on their position (both in terms of what SHOULD happen and their insistence on how virtuous and correct they have been during the whole ordeal? What can the mediator do to help people back down from self-centered and self-righteous tirades?

Agenda: You’re in good company. Many folks are lobbying for the disappearance of “Agendas” in all their incarnations. Do you just keep a private list or do you check in with folks at some point to see if there are any topics to discuss that haven’t been mentioned already? For newer mediators, how do you make sure they get the main topics out before they dive into the details of problem solving on topic x or y?

Has anyone experimented with using a public list (on a board or central piece of paper) during the mediation? When I’ve done that, I like the results. The MACRO DVD of various Maryland mediators shows a family business mediator and a community mediators using white board and flip chart for this, and it created a helpful focal point. I now urge trainees to try this method in mediation training roleplays, and think it works well (also helps during debriefing). Some of them get confused about what exactly they should write up on the board and the wording of it.

Headings: can’t tell you how many mediators I’ve heard say to disputing parties “OK now we’re going to have uninterrupted time”.

Thanks for all your comments! — Jenny

Comment on Control? direct? manage? oversee? guide? by Brenda Wolfer

Brenda Wolfer — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 15:38:50 +0000

Just read all of the comments, sans blueberry muffin of vanilla soda, and my head is spinning. I’ll comment on some things and add my own take.
I like facilitation; it has a nice balance of mediator/party interaction that supports our original philosopy–self-determination and empowement. Please don’t jump on me for using those terms; they are properly descriptive of what I want to express. Facilitation also allows the mediators to message and tweak the process to fit the needs of the parties without stating it openly. One just does it. It’s why I like this model. If one is comfortable with a model, it is coveyed to the parties who in turn will find a comfort level with the process and with what is going on at the table.
I’ve often thought that when parties are in conflict and remain so despite efforts to resolve matters, it is because it fuels their day-to-day existence. Remember the woman who arrived at the table with NINE years of diaries detailing her neighbor’s activities? I have listened to enough self-rightousness to fill the state of Alaska and threaten Russia. Sometimes I think that mediators need to sort through that more than postitions and interests.
As a trainer, I haven’t felt that the discussion on Issues, Positions and Interests has been difficult or fraught with confusion. What has been a supreme and ugly challenge is “Setting the Agenda. I understand the concept and while it may be helpful to mediators who like to be organized I have found that a mediation has a “life” of its own; a flow, if you please. I am reluctant to interrupt that flow with “my agenda for their meeting.” I think it is a good idea to keep a running list and to refer to it to insure that all issues are covered.
Those pesky “heading” for the process. Are we dwelling too much on this issue. Ideally we use them for training purposes to give trainees some sense of how a mediation may progress and do not refer to them specifically while mediating in the real world. In a sense they are “identifiers” for the trainers rather than specific language needed by the mediators to inform the parties where they are in the process. Am I over simplfying???
Just had a call for mediation; I shall return.
peace